Kids have the right to fight back if they are being attacked and hurt.
Should a child fight back in self defence when bullied?
At least five or six times a year parents approach me and ask for advice on this. It is usually a beginner student, as our experienced students rarely get bullied. She explains that “since the sensei said it is not ok to use karate at school”, her son did not fight back when the bully kicked him. What do I tell her? First of all let’s define bullying. In this case, it means your child has been physically attacked by another child. It does not mean verbal attack, which should never result in retaliation with physical violence.
The school’s viewpoint
If the bullying took place at school, teachers or administration will usually intervene. They do not want fighting at school. They understand that children need a safe learning environment. Many schools have instituted “no tolerance rules” where both combatants get suspended, regardless of who started it. It eliminates the problem of finger pointing as to who started it. Bullies will seldom take the blame and witnesses (usually friends) will lie to cover for their mates. Although many parents and students feel this is unfair, it does cut down on violence at school.
The parent’s viewpoint
Parents just want to ensure that their kids are safe. The vast majority of parents want their kids to stand up for themselves. I rarely encounter a mother or father who say “just turn the other cheek”. On the other hand, they do not want their children starting fights, so many kids are taught by their parents to fight only if another child starts it.
The child’s viewpoint
If they fight back, they will get in trouble. If they do not fight back, they are more likely to be bullied again, not only by the bully involved this time, but also other bullies who will see the child as an easy mark. I have also heard kids say “my dad says if I don’t fight back, I’ll get in trouble at home too”. The child cannot win in this scenario.
The self defence instructor’s viewpoint
I make it clear that violence is not an acceptable way to solve our problems. There are many things the bullied child can do before hitting back. Among them; running away, getting the teacher’s help, blocking or evading the attack, or using words to calm the bully down. However, teachers and parents are not always on the scene to protect bullied children, and sometimes it is not possible to stop the bully without striking back. Every child has a right to defend themselves if they are attacked and being hurt. I tell the mother or father that it is ok to fight back if the child cannot escape and is in danger of being hurt badly, and if no one is around to help them. The child may get in trouble, but as I point out to the parent, the schools have a good idea who the bullies are, and if they are involved, in many cases the student defending himself or herself will receive more lenient treatment. I also agree with the child’s viewpoint that putting a stop to bullying sometimes means you have to be able to stand up for yourself. The first line of defence rests with the teachers. If physical bullying happens in school, report it to the teacher and principal. If it continues, write a letter. Putting something in writing is always the most effective way to get action.
How do you feel about this issue? Is it ok for a bullied child to fight back in self defence?
Excellent topic.
As a karate instructor, we instruct the children that they only should perform karate in the dojo with an instructor present.
In regards to self-defense, we teach young children “school yard” self-defense. We show the kids how to get away/release a hold without hitting back. We leave the decision on whether a child should fight back to the parent. We remind the parents to check with the school and review the policy on violence and bullying.
As a parent, I taught my daughter self-defense. In 4th grade, she was grabbed in the recess yard and pushed down on the ground. She was afraid to respond because she did not want to “get in trouble”. We spoke to the Principal and told him of the situation. We informed the school that our daughter was taught self-defense and has our permission to use it. The school was not too happy.
Thanks for your insights Michele. It is great to get the perspective of another instructor on this, especially as you are also a mother. You illustrate how our viewpoints all differ very well. Indeed, as a mother you place your child’s security first, and if that means using self-defense, so be it. The school of course has a different perspective and your advice to check their policy on bullying is sound.
Your points about getting out of a hold is good, but what if the bully is striking or kicking, and the blocks are not working to stop the bully? This clearly puts the child in a difficult situation as there will be consequences if he or she decides to strike. However, in some cases, that is the only way to get the bully to stop the attack.
Hi Matt,
You do a good job of pointing out each actor’s point of view. I must say that the main actor’s point of view I am concerned with is the child’s. I’ll give a few of example’s of how I handled bulling before I really knew karate in 7th grade (I had read ketsugo and savate by Bruce Tegner).
The first encounter was when I laughed at an 8th grade girl and she told me to shut up or she was going to kick my behind! I kept laughing (just moved to a tough school in National City). She came after me and she was fast and bigger than me. I ran around in circles and finally dove into a grassy area with the sprinklers on – she was on me but luckily I slid into the vice-principal’s feet. Got off with a warning and I had more respect for older girls. 🙂
The second situation I was on the basketball court and the vice principle asked me where a guy was. I pointed him out… unfortunately he was smoking weed and got caught… came after me in the locker room later.
He asked me (in full view of the coach) if I was a narc. I was against drugs as a kid and did not fully understand the word narc and almost said yes… but while I did not like drugs – I was not a cop so I said no… soon I realized he and his buddy’s were going to tear into me right there… I had to tearfully swear I was not “the” narc who turned him in… he let me go. The coach was an old man and worthless… I don’t even know if he was on my side.
The third situation a guy thought I was making fun of his family… I wasn’t. He came after me in class in front of the teacher. All I knew from the books (the night before) was a half-fist. Every time the guy came at me – I half-fisted his nose. Got real bloody but I did not advance… I was backing away each time.
The teacher started yelling at me like I was the cause… I had to finally yell back to keep the guy from attacking!
I have no sympathy for schools that cannot handle the bullies. I think they should be shut down as I’ve had way more than this as bad experiences and if they suspended any of my kids for asserting their legal self defense rights (at least here)… i’d sue the pants off of them.
Sorry but you hit an issue I feel strongly about Matt… Again I’m for the kids position… the teacher’s, school, parents don’t have to face the bullies.
Good thought provoking post Matt!
Your first encounter was hilarious, John! The girls are often the enforcers in the lower age groups. Your second situation brings up a common problem–the school’s inability to control bullying. Most schools are able to clamp down on the bully, but they are not always there to see it. And then there are the teachers that don’t really care, or play favourites, like your third situation. Agree with you that sometimes the child’s point of view gets lost in the shuffle. As a parent, you are typical in that you will do anything to protect your child, and yes, most parents feel pretty strongly about this issue. Great to hear your view on this John.
Hi Matt,
What an interesting topic you have raised.
I’m not sure I agree with you that if a child has no other options available, then fighting back is the right choice. If the bully happens to be a really tough guy and you know you are going to get a real beating, I wonder whether even then it might be better to just walk/run away. Better to be called a chicken, than be in hospital with a broken skull.
Fortunately neither of my boys have had bullying issues and I am very grateful for this. The school they attend (attended in the case of my oldest) clamps down very quickly on bullies and as far as I’m aware there is very little bullying in the school.
Not sure if there are any clean cut right and wrong answers for this one.
Thanks for commenting Jan. Yes, fighting is always a last resort, but not sure running is always an option, especially with a really tough guy. If he is that tough and that determined to give you a real beating, he might not let you get away, in which case I believe you might have a better chance fighting back, especially if you are trained in martial arts. By fighting back, you gain the respect of other kids in the school and are much less likely to be bullied in the future.
Like you say, in a school that clamps down hard on bullies, this will hopefully not be an issue. I don’t think that all schools handle the problem of bullies properly, however.
Also remember that a bully (or their proxy in this case) can have martial arts training as I found out at school. But it’s better to put up a stand and I didn’t get picked on again, as there’d be serious questions about more black eyes and so forth. My kids will not be bullies, they have respect for others, but they will also be trained to defend themselves if necessary. But if kids know they have training they will hopefully leave them alone physically. It’s the physchological bullying that worries me. We live in a more sophisticated society these days that provides additional avenues for many things, including bullying.
Hi Gordon, thanks for visiting. You are correct in that regardless of whether you win the fight or not, by standing up for yourself you will be less likely to be targeted in the future. Sometimes you do what you have to do. Psychological bullying is definitely something that happens a lot nowadays, especially with the internet. Part of defending oneself is monitoring what is being said online.
I think that you should do whatever you can to stay away from physical altercations but once your in actual danger of being hurt (such as getting punched, choked etc) that is when self defense should be a priority and you should be able to defend yourself without any consequences… unless you take it too far ofcourse
Hi Sean, thanks for stopping by. Yes, I agree fully. It is the law of nature that every living being has a natural defence and is able to use it. The consequences of not doing anything mean continuing bullying, which can have life-long effects.